Netflix show Indian Matchmaking review

Watched the Netflix show: Indian Matchmaking

Bad:

• The language used is demeaning, sexist and patriarchal. It calls marriage as all compromise and adjustment, where women expected to / pressured to take on a larger than equal burden of aligning themselves to their future-husband’s preferences. Strong, independent women with an idea of what they want are deemed “demanding” and expected to change.
• Women are given unsolicited advice when their expectations are hard ot meet, whereas men are presented with unending number of options with no judgement.
• Parental pressure is portrayed as a good thing or in the interest of the son/daughter. Side characters such as astrologers, and events such as horoscope-matching, face reading, gemology, are presented as though they are directly tied to matchmaking even to this day (reality: not true).
• Presents similar biases in multiple characters, making it seem like it is true for everyone “Indian”, which is not true. (More about this in “uncovered” section)
• The show narrative shows a partial picture. It actually showcases the half where the people in the lead “very much wanted” the matchmaking process. The reality is worse for a lot of people. The show does become annoying & stressful if you have had negative personal experiences with it. (More about this in “uncovered” section)

Good:

• One of the best reviews I read about the show says that it is a mirror to the Indian society. To quote: “If you feel enraged, that is valid because there are real (and worse) problems.” I agree wholeheartedly.
• The show caters to a non-Indian audience to help them better understand the process of arranged marriages and matchmaking. Many of them would have equated it to forced marriages and uneducated people. Some of them would have been surprised about the numbers of it in today’s day and age, and the show presents itself as a casual option that people explore and use, which I like.
• The show does call out the narrow minded thinking in a funny and binge-watch worthy manner. In its own way, the show highlighted how terms such as “good family background” and “nice girl” are terms used to stand for other biases.
• The show’s theme of “people interested in matchmaking” is balanced by the twitter talk with “I got out” narrative, which balances the opinion on matchmaking that it is neither all bad or all good. It is very subjective.
• It is encouraging a number of people to post their stories about their experiences and how they got out. A lot of changes begin with people being willing to discuss them. I wish there is a better forum and support system for the people who need this.

The uncovered:

• The show is weird but it isn’t fiction, it is a reality show. The people portrayed are with real names and real twitter profiles, which brings a new dimension of credibility. But it is still flawed, as it is a non-representative sample of a wider range of people/situations/mindsets.
• Despite its annoying portrayal, the show is almost the best case of Indian matchmaking, unfortunately. Many people’s matchmaking reality is much worse. Twitter-o-sphere armchair quarterbacks with no background or experience with this process think of this as a joke. Some even call for action in unreal ways. It is easy to say is that the younger generation needs to be taught to stand up for themselves.
• Many Indians do not always use the matchmaking process as a “backup”, it is forced upon as a “primary” thing to do in the parental brainwashing that happens when growing up. Along with the implied pressure to do well academically, there is social pressure to not date or make “self-centric” decisions, and to rely on the “wisdom” of parents in finding the right match. In many “middle and upper class” Indian families, there is a lot of societal conditioning, pressure involved. The process is hard to escape. It is soul-crushing. You may come out of it with a prized partner, but the means objectify people in most cases. This is not presented in the show. It is a traumatic phase for many, as shared by some on Twitter, due to aspects that are not covered in the show. Some situations are much worse, with aspects like dowry, underage, parental emotional blackmail etc involved. Putting a funny spin on it doesn’t change that fact but only digs up raw wounds that are packed away.
• Women in India, to this day, are rarely raised to be independent, brave and strong - they asked to be nice and accommodating. They aren’t trained or given a chance to make decisions that go beyond “looks right on paper” and many have had to learn about their own expectations and fight their way to navigate the process to get what they are good with. Where is the end? When will change happen in larger numbers?
• There are still a number of people in India for who arranged marriages and matchmaking are not a 100% voluntary. But they are too young, unaware and afraid of the society around them which does not make it easy for people to live their own lives. It cannot be expected that everyone has the strength and conviction to fight this system. Who is their voice of reason? Who is their support system? Can anyone help or is this each person’s battle for themselves? What am I doing? There aren’t any real answers to this and it is a problem.

To wrap up:

• It is a mixed bag: I have some personal experience on this. I met lot of random people though the matchmaking process. In the end, although I married someone outside of this process, I can imaging finding and being happy with someone using this process. I have friends and family in the happy camp too.
• You can navigate it better if your parents “really understand” you: All happy stories either had supportive parents who did not pressurize kids to make decisions but helped them navigate it to find what is ideal for themselves. Often there is a large part of parents willing to listen, learn and adapt to preferences of their children and the heavy lift on children to educate and convince the parents about their preferences. I made it our family rule to never met parents, unless I was ready to move ahead.
• Even with super-supportive parents, it could crush your spirit and create self-doubt in women: Personally, I came out of this process with some scars that have taken time to heal.
  • For example, I waited too long for a “potential match” to “make his decision”, when in reality he was uninterested but continued to dated me to fly under the radar of his family pressure. I should have had more self esteem.
  • I pushed too much to “broaden my selection” instead of narrowing down on what would make me happier. I have been in too many uncomfortable conversations with people that I wish I had the courage to speak up against to their faces.
  • I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep going although the process was emotionally hard. I was in the race to “get chosen” rather than to “choose”, at least at some times. I should have trust myself more and put myself first sooner.
• Fighting biases is a long, hard journey: For many Indians, especially parents, it is very hard to break out of the race, class, caste, and language biases to this day. Most success stories in my friends circle are happy couples within these boundaries. I cannot think about change in this that doesn’t involve multi-generational gradual change. That is sad.